How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
