even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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