look no pants
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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