he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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