you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
