Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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