I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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