my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
