who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
