I think i peed on brittanys purse
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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