I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
