I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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