Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
