I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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