i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
MIDGETS
????
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
