Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
