I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
