I didn't shave. On purpose
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
