i just wanna soil my oats bro
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
