apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
