"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is wine microwaveable?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
