My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
