The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
