I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
