Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
