the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Randomize
