When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
