I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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