Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
