lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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