Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
