I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
