i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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