I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
