My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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