So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
