The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
