I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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