i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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