Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
