I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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