I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
