I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
