Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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