he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
my shit smells like andre
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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