New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
