i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
