there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
