I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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