there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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