he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
