A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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